Philosphical humor

If anyone knew me way back in the day with my "first" Myspace account, ((prior to Feb '08)), then they might remember an article in my blog called "Today's Wise Words from Kieran". Basically, yours truly would rack his brain for unique original philosophical statements and insert as much humour as he could into it. Therefore, I give you my list, that I have dredged up from trawling through the old computer at 2am when I REALLY should be sleeping... because I have to get up for work in less than three hours.
But I digress, Befor we get ON WITH IT, I'm also putting an explanation under the lines, for the really lazy sods that can't be bothered deciphering my humour. :D

Today's Wise Words from Kieran

"Don't be an apple in a room full of pairs."
Ever heard of the 'Third Wheel'? Yeah, now, ever sat in a room filled with couples while you yourself are single? Feel very... very left out. :(

"Be wary of banana's that split both ways."
Be very careful what you say around people, especially if you have no knowledge as to their sexuality...

"Researching is realizing what is accurate, inaccurate and Wikipedia."
Fairly straight forward here: Don't trust Wiki... ever.

"If you can't be honest, what can you be?"
Answer: lawyer/politician/salesman

"Seek and ye shall find, ask and ye shall recieve, curse and ye shall be prosecuted."
Even if you kick your ingrown toenail in church, you still have no excuse to yell "F**K" really loudly over the sermon...

"With great depression, comes great loss of inhibitions, remember that emo-kid, remember that."
Miserable and watching Spiderman after being dumped. Pretty good for the creative mind I must say. :P

"Hitting someone with a fowl does not constitute exclusion from your elder kin."
John. Big Brother AU. 'o6 (I think). Turkey Slap. Need I say more? Google it.

"If your hand is caught in a cookie jar, then your greed exceeds your grasp."
Not sure where or when I picked this up, but it stuck with me. The jar, that is *beats on desk*.

"Stupidity should hurt, and on a long enough timeline, it does."
Karma, it always comes back to bite you in the ass... or anywhere else it can reach.

"Don't shout at those who can't hear you."
If you need this explained... then go stand in the corner and count to five billion.
Also: don't shout at deaf people.

"Talking slower doesn't mean you'll be understood."
Ever seen ignorant folk talking to tourists? They speak so slowly it makes you want to pop 'em in the face.

"Too many cooks may spoil the broth, but we aren't cooking broth."
Some people try to get out of helping out with that phrase. I countered it. :D
Broth is a form of soup, by the by.

"The only hearts I'll ever have, are those made out of confectionary, for they can not hurt me."
Well...not much, anyways. Miserable at the time. Rejected. Cheated on. *shrugs* I got used to it. It still hurt though. MOOOOVING right along.

"If your hopes and dreams have been crushed, then it's time to quit guard duty at the Zoo."
Elephants crush people, didja know?

"Look lively, avoid being mistaken for sleeping."
Don't sit around looking dull, get active and bouncy :D

"Live freely, hold nothing apart and enjoy your surroundings."
i.e: happy-go-lucky :D

"If you say 'lol' in real life, its time to hit the road."
Seriously, learn to laugh again, its not that dangerous. Its actually quite a good medication, so I hear.

"Everybody seems normal until they make a movement."
Don't judge a book by its cover... wait until its finished dancing the cha-cha, at least.


And, thats it. PLEASE, comment on it. The few I have get very lonely at night :O